I Have a Man Crush on Janet Reno
The title of this blog has nothing to do with what the actual blog is about but I felt my feelings for Janet Reno needed to be stated. Now lets move on.
As some of you know I teach a Driver Improvement class to earn some extra cash when I'm not doing comedy. I don’t actually teach, it’s more like I play videos and daydream for 8 hours. Take this past Sunday for example. I was immediately struck by this Asian guy who had real spikey hair. I instantly gave him the nickname Spike Lee. For literally an hour, I sat there and thought about how that was the most perfect and awesome nickname of all time. I started to wonder if his friends call him Spike Lee. I'm imagining them sitting around yelling at him to do the right thing, calling him Reggie Millers bitch. I've got his friends calling him Mars Blackman. "Hey man can I bum a smoke? Please baby, please baby, please baby, baby, baby, please." Then I'm like, wait a minute this kid's like 17 years old. He and his friends probably don't even know who Spike Lee is and they for sure wouldn't get the Mars Blackman reference. There's no way they call him Spike Lee. That would be funny and these kids are probably complete morons. Now I'm actually starting to get angry. I'm asking myself, "How in the hell can you have an Asian dude with spikey hair as a friend and not call him Spike Lee? What the fucks wrong with these people? I would kill to have an Asian guy friend with spikey hair. His friends suck This guy sucks. I hate this fucking dude!" Now I'm giving this kid dirty looks and insulting him to myself. "Nobody saw Crooklyn Asshole!"
The first video is about to end, which causes me to jump back to reality. I question my sanity for actually getting so angry with this guy for something I completely made up but I am still curious if his friends call him Spike Lee. I consider asking him but I decide that's just asking for awkward. I decide at that time to make it my life’s goal to befriend an Asian guy with spikey hair. I want my Spike Lee! If you're out there Spike, please add me on myspace.
For the next hour I sat around trying to come up with other ready made nicknames. For example, I would like to meet a black girl who looks like Christopher Walken, sounds like Christopher Walken, can do an impression of Christopher Walken or has been known to put things in her ass, like a watch for example. For the record, I prefer the latter. I shall call her Sistapher Walken. Secondly, I need to get to know a really stupid guy who looks like Neil Patrick Harris, aka Doogie Howser so I can call him Doogie Howser, LD or Doogie Howser, GED. This next one is stolen from my hilarious friend Mike Payne, www.myspace.com/domikepayne. I need to befriend a lesbian who beats her girlfriend. Where ya at Dike Turner? Finally, I need to become friends with a gay guy so I can call him a Cocksucking Faggot! Whoops, I mean I need to find a gay guy who really loves donuts in order to say hey Homo Simpson.
As some of you know I teach a Driver Improvement class to earn some extra cash when I'm not doing comedy. I don’t actually teach, it’s more like I play videos and daydream for 8 hours. Take this past Sunday for example. I was immediately struck by this Asian guy who had real spikey hair. I instantly gave him the nickname Spike Lee. For literally an hour, I sat there and thought about how that was the most perfect and awesome nickname of all time. I started to wonder if his friends call him Spike Lee. I'm imagining them sitting around yelling at him to do the right thing, calling him Reggie Millers bitch. I've got his friends calling him Mars Blackman. "Hey man can I bum a smoke? Please baby, please baby, please baby, baby, baby, please." Then I'm like, wait a minute this kid's like 17 years old. He and his friends probably don't even know who Spike Lee is and they for sure wouldn't get the Mars Blackman reference. There's no way they call him Spike Lee. That would be funny and these kids are probably complete morons. Now I'm actually starting to get angry. I'm asking myself, "How in the hell can you have an Asian dude with spikey hair as a friend and not call him Spike Lee? What the fucks wrong with these people? I would kill to have an Asian guy friend with spikey hair. His friends suck This guy sucks. I hate this fucking dude!" Now I'm giving this kid dirty looks and insulting him to myself. "Nobody saw Crooklyn Asshole!"
The first video is about to end, which causes me to jump back to reality. I question my sanity for actually getting so angry with this guy for something I completely made up but I am still curious if his friends call him Spike Lee. I consider asking him but I decide that's just asking for awkward. I decide at that time to make it my life’s goal to befriend an Asian guy with spikey hair. I want my Spike Lee! If you're out there Spike, please add me on myspace.
For the next hour I sat around trying to come up with other ready made nicknames. For example, I would like to meet a black girl who looks like Christopher Walken, sounds like Christopher Walken, can do an impression of Christopher Walken or has been known to put things in her ass, like a watch for example. For the record, I prefer the latter. I shall call her Sistapher Walken. Secondly, I need to get to know a really stupid guy who looks like Neil Patrick Harris, aka Doogie Howser so I can call him Doogie Howser, LD or Doogie Howser, GED. This next one is stolen from my hilarious friend Mike Payne, www.myspace.com/domikepayne. I need to befriend a lesbian who beats her girlfriend. Where ya at Dike Turner? Finally, I need to become friends with a gay guy so I can call him a Cocksucking Faggot! Whoops, I mean I need to find a gay guy who really loves donuts in order to say hey Homo Simpson.
posted by Rob Maher at 6:10 PM
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