If

If the Redskins win I am happy all week. I watch every post game show, every highlight show, read every article and every message board. I’m on cloud nine.

If I write a new bit that crushes I am giddy like a child on Christmas day. I recite the bit in the shower, in the car, anywhere and everywhere. I feel confident, successful and attractive. I feel alive.

If I discover a new song I love I listen to it over and over again. I sit in front of my computer and play it again and again. Whether the song is new or old, a dance song, sad song, a rock song or an R&B song doesn’t matter. Hearing a great song inspires me. I am ready for the world.

If I meet a girl I like then my mind opens up. I begin to tear down the walls that keep me safe/hold me back. My mind races and I imagine holding her, kissing her, feeling her naked body up against mine. I wonder if she’s the one. I wonder if she’s the real deal and if I’m even ready for the real deal. That thought scares me and makes me nervous and I am not one to get nervous. I have performed literally thousands of times in front of literally hundreds of thousand of people. I have told jokes to crowds of several hundred people and crowds of 6 people. I’ve stood on the ice 40+ times at Washington Capitals games emceeing events and hosting trivia contests in front of 20,000 screaming fans. I’ve done 2 seasons of live TV with just note cards and my memory to serve me. I have been in many a nerve-wracking situation but nothing has ever rattled me like the affection of a beautiful women. I am a champ at hiding it and playing it off but trust me its there. Please rock my world baby. I am ready and willing.

If a dream week is possible then I guess I know mine. On Sunday the Redskins win a big game. I celebrate by having a few drinks with some friends. In a drunken stooper I say something funny that I make a mental note to expand on later. I spend Tuesday expanding on that very thought and jamming to a kick ass new song. Come Wednesday I have a brand new bit to unveil on open mic night. I do the bit and it kills. My hilarity attracts the eye of quite the beautiful women. We hit it off and exchange numbers. I wait the industry standard and call her on Friday. We make plans to do dinner Saturday night. The night goes wonderfully. She laughs at my jokes and I wait on every word she says. She smells amazing and her smile, well it just does it for me. I am smitten. I awkwardly go in for a goodnight kiss and she, undeterred, follows my lead. We kiss slow, soft, passionate, just perfect. I hug her tightly and reflect on an amazing week.

I’d kill for a week like that. I long for a week like that. Maybe one day huh? A boy can dream can’t he?