Sweet Sixteen
This past Friday night I performed at a 16 year old girls Birthday party. Fuck Letterman when you can perform in front of the girlfriend of a letterman. Her Mom had rented out this comedy club for the night. There was to be comedy, karaoke and a DJ. However, there apparently wasn't supposed to be any laughter. 16 year old girls didn't like me when I was in High School and they don't like me today.
The booker told me that a friend of mine had recommended me for this gig, saying I'd be perfect for it. I'm not sure what that says about me but I am sure if this "friend" of mine ever tries to tell me some girl he knows is perfect for me, I will make sure to never meet her. I was perfect for this gig in that OJ is the perfect husband kind of way. To be fair, if I was allowed to be me, to do my act and do what I do, I would have had a field day with this bunch. But that was not the case. Mom talked a big game about how any and all material was game. She even signed something that said we could say whatever and she wouldn't object. A comedy Pre-Nup if you will.
We met the birthday girl and she promptly showed us her piercings, belly button included, and her tattoos, the one right at her panty line included. I promptly felt an R Kelly moment. Maybe I'm getting old but do all 15 year old girls have tattoos and multiple piercings and do all 15 year old girls have no qualms about showing those piercings and tattoos to complete strangers? I just used the word qualms. I am getting old. Me getting old aside, I felt the birthday girl showing up wearing the Fisher Price How To Be Whore starter kit coupled with Mom signing the anything goes "Pre-Nup" boded well for the evening. Wrong answer!
The show begins with the booker/MC Kevin. He didn't bother updating his references for the crowd as he called a table full of black kids the Huxtables. The Huxtables!? These kids don't know who Bill Cosby is much less the Cosby Show. To them the Cosby Show is the show Raven Simone used to be on. You might has well of called a kid Eddie Haskell or yelled, "To the moon Alice, to the moon!" My boy Seaton then goes up. Seaton is very funny and decides immediately he's going to test out Mom's anything goes promise. One minute into his act and he's screaming at the birthday girls 10 year old brother, "So you ever fuck a bitch right and...." Classic. Between that and the anal sex references Mom had had enough. She runs up to me saying she doesn't like Seaton and that he's gone too far and for me to get him off stage. She tells me some of the other parents have complained and one mother took her daughter home. I have no sympathy for her for it was her idea to have a comedy show for a bunch of 16 year old girls who couldn't care less about comedy and a bunch of 16 year old boys who think they are too cool to laugh. By the time I get on stage the birthday girl is all about talking to her friends, the boyfriend, who I was going to fuck with, is in the back doing who knows what so essentially I'm performing for the 4 or 5 parents in the crowd. At one point I do my joke about beer goggles. The joke is about how since guys get drunk and go home with unattractive women, what do blind guys do when they get drunk? Do they go home with girls with real shitty voices? I then act this out and hilarity ensues. Except in this case, Britney, the retarded white girl says to me, "But he's blind not deaf so that doesn't make sense." Clueless. I end my set by stealing birthday girls cell phone and reading her text messages. Not groundbreaking comedy by any means but I got a kick out of it. Soon after, I end my set and me and the other comics get out of dodge.
The next night I'm back at the club to perform in front of a normal crowd. The owner tells me some of the kids had smuggled some alcohol into the club and drank up. Mom then let everyone go back to her place while she and step dad got a hotel room. Can we say teenage pregnancy? Being a good Mom is much better for the world than trying to be the cool Mom. And being a good comic is much better for the word than trying to be the comic that appeals to 16 year olds. I hope I end up being the former.
The booker told me that a friend of mine had recommended me for this gig, saying I'd be perfect for it. I'm not sure what that says about me but I am sure if this "friend" of mine ever tries to tell me some girl he knows is perfect for me, I will make sure to never meet her. I was perfect for this gig in that OJ is the perfect husband kind of way. To be fair, if I was allowed to be me, to do my act and do what I do, I would have had a field day with this bunch. But that was not the case. Mom talked a big game about how any and all material was game. She even signed something that said we could say whatever and she wouldn't object. A comedy Pre-Nup if you will.
We met the birthday girl and she promptly showed us her piercings, belly button included, and her tattoos, the one right at her panty line included. I promptly felt an R Kelly moment. Maybe I'm getting old but do all 15 year old girls have tattoos and multiple piercings and do all 15 year old girls have no qualms about showing those piercings and tattoos to complete strangers? I just used the word qualms. I am getting old. Me getting old aside, I felt the birthday girl showing up wearing the Fisher Price How To Be Whore starter kit coupled with Mom signing the anything goes "Pre-Nup" boded well for the evening. Wrong answer!
The show begins with the booker/MC Kevin. He didn't bother updating his references for the crowd as he called a table full of black kids the Huxtables. The Huxtables!? These kids don't know who Bill Cosby is much less the Cosby Show. To them the Cosby Show is the show Raven Simone used to be on. You might has well of called a kid Eddie Haskell or yelled, "To the moon Alice, to the moon!" My boy Seaton then goes up. Seaton is very funny and decides immediately he's going to test out Mom's anything goes promise. One minute into his act and he's screaming at the birthday girls 10 year old brother, "So you ever fuck a bitch right and...." Classic. Between that and the anal sex references Mom had had enough. She runs up to me saying she doesn't like Seaton and that he's gone too far and for me to get him off stage. She tells me some of the other parents have complained and one mother took her daughter home. I have no sympathy for her for it was her idea to have a comedy show for a bunch of 16 year old girls who couldn't care less about comedy and a bunch of 16 year old boys who think they are too cool to laugh. By the time I get on stage the birthday girl is all about talking to her friends, the boyfriend, who I was going to fuck with, is in the back doing who knows what so essentially I'm performing for the 4 or 5 parents in the crowd. At one point I do my joke about beer goggles. The joke is about how since guys get drunk and go home with unattractive women, what do blind guys do when they get drunk? Do they go home with girls with real shitty voices? I then act this out and hilarity ensues. Except in this case, Britney, the retarded white girl says to me, "But he's blind not deaf so that doesn't make sense." Clueless. I end my set by stealing birthday girls cell phone and reading her text messages. Not groundbreaking comedy by any means but I got a kick out of it. Soon after, I end my set and me and the other comics get out of dodge.
The next night I'm back at the club to perform in front of a normal crowd. The owner tells me some of the kids had smuggled some alcohol into the club and drank up. Mom then let everyone go back to her place while she and step dad got a hotel room. Can we say teenage pregnancy? Being a good Mom is much better for the world than trying to be the cool Mom. And being a good comic is much better for the word than trying to be the comic that appeals to 16 year olds. I hope I end up being the former.
posted by Rob Maher at 12:27 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home