....I Think I Am In Love

It was another eventful Saturday for me this past week. My day went from 8am to 6am but it was well worth the lack of sleep. The day started with me having to teach my driver improvement class. It was a packed class, which means more money for me and more chances to sexually harass a student. I eat lunch at this excellent Mediterranean place right next door. I sit at the bar and no I didn’t have a drink. This girl from my class walks in. We make eye contact and then she comes and sits next to me. We make small talk until the bartender comes by. She orders a rum and coke. She orders alcohol right in front of me! And a double at that. I guess that just shows how little respect I garner if one my students is going to drink right in front me when there’s still four more hours of class to go. She told me she needed a drink to get through my boring class. She makes an excellent point, it’s an incredibly boring class and I add nothing to it. We get to talking some more and yadda, yadda, yadda I will be visiting her soon at the restaurant she works at. I bought her the rum and coke with strict instruction that she returns the favor when I come visit her. I wonder if it’s against some sort of rule for the instructor to buy the student alcohol mid way through the class? Oh well. An alcoholic who’s easy on the eyes, I think I am in love Kristin. I see sex in our future.

After class, I head over to Ned Devines to get the show started there. In classic Ned Devines fashion the crowd is sparse. Sparse is a nice way of saying shitty. To be fair, the people that were there were into it and fun. There were two girls sitting right up front. I tell them I need them to laugh and I promise I won’t pick on them. I sense a lot of skepticism from one the girls, Sylvia. She was a feisty one and I like that. I take the stage and wish happy birthday to one of the guys in the crowd. I then point to Sylvia and her friend and tell the birthday boy the strippers are here. I went up there with every intention of honoring my no pick on promise to the girls yet, literally 10 seconds in and I am calling them strippers. Classic me. Sylvia, of course, immediately calls me out. I attempted to explain that being called a stripper is a compliment because you have to be really hot to be a stripper, so… you’re welcome. Amazingly, that nugget of genius logic didn’t resonate with Sylvia. I spent my entire set hitting on/debating/arguing with her only to have her continuously reject/poke holes in/one up me. What a turn on. A feisty bitch that fight’s back and wins, I think I am in love Sylvia. I see sex in our future, just not with each other.

Moving on to the real strippers. I have to leave Ned Devines mid show in order to make it up to Baltimore where I will be emceeing an event at the strip club, Night Shift. It was the clubs 16th anniversary and the owner Tony wanted to do something a little extra. I wasn’t exactly sure what was expected of me and I didn’t really care for I was being paid and paid well to hang out with strippers and drink for free. Turns out I was supposed to hang out in the DJ booth all night and attempt to be humorous in between each girl’s dances. I knew attempting to do material would be a waste of time so I decided to interview each girl before they hit the stage and try to get some sexy, raunchy stuff out of them. Take my Q&A with Lexy for example.

Q: What’s your favorite thing to do in bed?
A: Have sex.

Q: What’s your favorite thing to do in a car?
A: Fuck.

Q: What’s your favorite thing to do in a tree house?
A: Eat pussy.

You can’t make up better answers than that people. The crowd however, couldn’t care any less about my little interviews. They just wanted nudity. I asked one girl what’s her ultimate sexual fantasy? She says she want to have sex with two guys and two girls in a giant tub of jello. No reaction from the crowd. I ask if she’s ever gotten close to that happening. She says no. I say, “What, you couldn’t find that much jello?” Now that’s fucking hilarious! No reaction from crowd. Oh well. The patrons didn’t seem to like me much but all the dancers, bartenders, bouncers and the DJ seemed to like me a lot. I felt like Tim Robbins in Shawshank. I came into this dreary place full of faded dreams and empty hearts and showed them a little life, a little spark. I imagine they are all missing me today but some birds aren’t meant to be caged. If you ever make it out Lexy, I could use a girl who can eat pussy in a tree house. Get busy stripping or get busy dying. Remember, sexy girls from Night Shift. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this blog finds you, and finds you well. Your friend, Rob.

OK, the Shawshank thing was a bit of a stretch. Cut me some slack. I had a great time Night Shift and can’t wait to do it all over again. Free drinks, lesbian tree house action and jello orgies, I think I am love Night Shift. I see me paying for sex in our future.

I leave the club at 12:30 AM. The night is young. I head over to my buddy Steve’s 30th birthday party which is only twenty minutes away. Steve works at 98 Rock and is one of the new friends I made while in Cancun. I was really looking forward to this party for I always love partying with the 98 Rock crew plus I was going to get hang with a lot of my new Cancun friends, like Steve’s wife Stacey, Pam, Lisa, Buzz, JT, Angela and Scott and Shannon. I hadn’t seen these people since Cancun and they are way to cool to not hang out with more often. I had heard that the Huber’s, Steve and Stacey, had an awesome party house and I was not let down. Fucking amazing! It’s more like a compound. There’s tons of yard, a basketball court, pool, beach volleyball, awesome patio area and bar, an ice luge, a petting zoo and a dolphin tank. Those last two were lies. Even though I was getting to the party at one AM I wasn’t concerned with getting there too late. I show up and sure enough the party is going way strong. The whole crew was there. It was an awesome party. I drank, played basketball poorly, drank some more, made prank phone calls, left four messages on Pam’s phone while she was standing right across from me, drank some more, talked to anyone and everyone, insulted a few people, fellated the ice luge a lot, sang Christmas carols, did three sudoku puzzles and took a class on horse whispering. It was quite the night, quite the day. At 6 AM I laid down on the couch and went to sleep the minute my head hit the pillow. I may have been extremely drunk and extremely tired but my dream was clear and focused and sober and full of energy. A girl so amazing that in a day full of interesting women and strippers, a day full of stories and memories, in a day in which I could dream about so many things yet all I dream about is you. I think I am in love Pam. I see happiness in our future.

That was my Saturday. The End.

Me, Strippers and Big Balls

It is good to me sometimes. This Saturday night I am getting paid to emcee an event at a strip club, Night Shift in Baltimore to be exact. Night Shift is an excellent strip club. The girls get totally nude. I am fan of that. And if reading up on the girl’s bios on the clubs website is any indication, they are all a bunch of freaks. There were many wonderful one’s to choose from but I decided to share the lovely Nikki’s with you. Nikki is a 5’4 100 lb brown eyed brunette. I have copy and pasted her turn ons. This is exactly what she has listed on the site.

Turn Ons: Big Balls, Oral Sex, multiple cocks, anal sex, getting fucked up, having my way camping, bathing in a lake and having my bass guitar rammed up my pussy

Let’s discuss. Disgusting! Who bathes in a lake? Do you think she means big testicles or big balls like beach balls? Cus I’ve never heard of a girl who has a ball, meaning testicle, size preference. I have no concept of ball sizes. I have no clue where my balls would land in a ball size chart? If one of the three women I have ever had sex with are reading this can you please message me and give me some ball feedback? What’s average? What’s big? What’s small? Does penis size and ball size correlate? Could a guy be packing 9 inches yet have marbles hanging down there. What if a guy has one giant ball and one tiny ball? Would Nikki insist on only giving him one orgasm? Or maybe she like’s big balls metaphorically. Like if I were to come up to her Saturday night and ask her about her love of balls she would respond, “Wow, it takes some big ass balls to ask me that question. I think I will fuck you and then bathe in a lake.”

Let’s move on. Oral sex is a fairly pedestrian turn on so let’s tackle multiple cocks. That was a fun sentence. I would assume she means multiple cocks at the same time. What’s not to love about that? She lists anal sex after multiple cocks but I think it should be the other way around. If you like multiple cocks it’s a given you like anal. It’s a basic crowd control issue. She also loves getting fucked up. Well, I should hope so. You’d have to be some kind of whore to be sober and want several cocks inside you at the same time.

This next one baffles me. Having my way camping? I am not even sure what that means. I guess she is real particular about camping. Sounds like a real bitch to go camping with. “I wanted at least a three person tent asshole. Haven’t you read my turn ons? Now tell me a fucking ghost story. It better be fucking scary. You call that fire? Where are the smores at?”

All right, now for the finale. Having my bass guitar rammed up my pussy. Wow. I’ve heard of needing more cowbell but this takes the cake. This girl must really love music. A drum stick I could see. A guitar pick’s a no brainer but a bass guitar? I can’t follow a bass guitar in the bedroom. I’m not packing that much down there. If we were in a band I’d be playing the triangle.

Last Saturday night I survived a demolition derby. This Saturday night I will try to survive Nikki. I am scared to death. Hope to be back here on Monday. Big Balls Rule!

Post Demolition Derby Poker Game

After my amazing victory in the Demolition Derby I went and played poker with Joe Robinson and his buddies. Joe is an excellent poker player but he has one giant tell. Whenever he’s bluffing he puts in his mouthpiece. Other than that he’s impossible to read. I figured I was running lucky that day so my chances were good. Wrong answer. All my luck was used up in the Derby. I got roughed up pretty good. Joe was kind enough to show me a little mercy so I was able to salvage the night a little and only ended up losing 110 bucks. I got unlucky several times but I also didn’t play well at all. I think my problem was that I wasn’t drinking or eating junk food. I have been trying to lose weight doing the low carb thing here recently and if ever there was a night to cheat this was it. There was free pizza available, free beer, free pretzels, free chips, free cookies, free candy and I said no to all of it. What did I splurge on? The free squares of cheese! Part of me say’s that’s responsible of you Rob but a larger part of me says that’s pretty fucking lame of you. Cheese when you could have had pizza and chocolate chip cookies? Diet Coke when you could have had Heineken? It’s real hard to be intimidating at the poker table while sucking down diet cokes and niblets of cheese. My table image was that of a nine year old boy with Diabetes. Not quite KGB from Rounders. I deserved to get my ass handed to me that night. I won’t make that mistake next time I play poker with those guys. I’m drinking Jim Beam straight out of the bottle with a beef jerky chaser. We’ll see if they outflop my pocket kings then.

I Was in 50 Car Accidents Saturday

I was in 50 car accidents Sat afternoon. Actually, that’s incorrect. None of them were accidents. I participated in a Demolition Derby in Arcadia, MD with my good friends from 98 Rock. Yes, a real Demolition Derby with real cars and real lack of safety precautions. The event was made up of two teams of four, so eight cars total. Each car had all the windows removed except for the windshield. We were each given helmets. The rules were simple. The last car running is the winner. They advised us not to hit anyone on the driver’s side door in order to avoid hurting each other. That was the extent of the safety measures. My team was made up of myself, Mickey Cucchellia, Joe Robinson and some guy we just met named Don. Scott Donahue was supposed to be our fourth member but he bailed on us yet he was still at the event watching which means he had no reason to bail which leaves me no other option to forever deem him a total pussy. The other team was composed of Scott the Producer, Chris the other Producer, Kerry, who won this event last year, and Steve, another guy I just met. Our team had to be considered the heavy underdogs because we were the only team with a member wearing a mouthpiece. Yes, Joe Robinson wore a mouthpiece. And kneepads for that matter. That’s very Scott Donahue of you Joe. Joe also googled Demolition Derby Strategies the night before. How lame is that? If you google “how to be fag” a picture of Joe comes up reading up on demolition derby strategies while wearing a mouthpiece and kneepads.

We get in our cars and start to drive down to the pit. I am driving a Chevy Corsica, the Joe Robinson of vehicles. Just driving down into the pit was exhilarating. Hundreds of people were cheering, giving us high fives as we drove by. It really did feel like we we’re going into some sort of battle. There’s something about putting that helmet and goggles on that turns everything up a notch. I’m not just some idiot driving an old, beat up Corsica, I am now a racecar driver.

The event starts with us lined up on opposite sides in two rows of four. Everyone starts with the front of your car up against the wall. They want everyone going in reverse at the start so not to get up too much speed for the initial collision. The guy next to you and the guy directly behind you are on the opposite team. I am at the far end with Chris to my right. I decide that I am going to try to hold back for a second and then reverse as fast as I can and try to pummel the front of Chris’s car. That was the extent of my strategy. The crowd counts down, 3, 2, 1…. And it’s on! I hold back a second like I planned and then reverse it right into Chris’s front end. It wasn’t a huge shot by any means but it got my adrenaline going big time. The hardest part was not hitting your own teammates. There were orange numbers on our passenger side and yellow on there’s but unless you see the passenger side it got confusing as to who was who. It seemed like forever before anyone was out. I thought it would only last like five minutes but ten minutes in and almost the cars appeared to still be going strong. I had no frame of reference but I felt like I was doing well. I felt I was giving more shots than I was taking. Don’t get me wrong, I was taking some big shots and was sore the next day to prove it but my car was still handling fairly well. I started to think that I could actually win this thing. A lot of who went out when and who hit who the hardest was a blur but I do remember pummeling Scott repeatedly. He just always seemed to be in my way. At one point he stopped driving his car so I thought he was out. I had a perfect shot lined up but you’re not allowed to hit cars that are out so I pulled up. A few minutes later this bastard is blind siding me. You almost killed me you possum laying motherfucker!

Our team had the first member to go out but after that we dominated. With only four cars left we had three of them, Mickey, Joe and myself. We just started decimating poor Steve. Mickey and Joe actually knocked out there own cars while hammering Steve leaving just the two of us. My car was clearly handling better so I was getting the best of him. I hit him with a huge shot to the passenger side tire. I back up and his car isn’t moving. I look at him and ask if he’s done. He gives me the hand slicing the throat motion telling me his car is done. I look at the judges and they tell me to keep going because his car is still running. I reverse and then accelerate forward right into him again. The judges say keep going. I do this about three more times and finally they waive the checkered flag. I won a motherfucking Demolition Derby! How fucking cool is that? I got on top of my car and waived the checkered flag to the “fans.” I got on the mic and thanked my sponsors. Walking back everyone was high fiving me and my teammates. It was amazingly kick ass cool. Thank you so much to Mickey and everyone at 98 Rock for inviting me to this. I had the time of my life.