My Cell Phone Sounds Like Shit.

I flushed my cell phone down the toilet. I'm not speaking metaphorically here; I actually flushed my cell phone down the toilet. Allow me to explain. I'm teaching my driver improvement class this past Saturday. I am a horrible teacher and spend most of my time playing a video and then leaving the room. I do however, attempt to get back to class before the video is over with. I am a bad teacher but I'm not a total fuck up. So I have about 6 minutes to go until the videos over and I need to get back to class when I start to feel some rumblings in the stomach. I'm by no means a fan of using public bathrooms to do that deed but I am less a fan of shitting my pants. I would have preferred to wait until after the video was up and just given the class a break but my stomach was not in the mood to wait. So I venture into the bathroom to take care of business, all the while checking my cell phone to see how much time I have left, I don't wear a watch. Since I kept checking my phone this meant it wasn't securely in my jeans pocket but on the edge, not completely buried in the pocket. You probably see where this is going. I finish doing what I have to do with about a minute to spare. Mission accomplished. I dismount and turn to flush the toilet. I guess I dont stick the landing for as I turn towards the toilet my cell phone flies out of my pocket and into the toilet/its vile grave. He shoots he scores! Goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a state of shock at first. I stare at my phone just inches away from me but miles to go before sleep. I have to get back to class in a matter of seconds so I have to act quickly. If I was at home I could have maybe found something to pull it out of the water and then taken my time washing it off and cleaning it with the hopes of salvaging it. But I'm not at home and have no home toilet advantage. My cell might as well have been wearing a Redskins jersey floating in Cowboys toilet. I was shit out of luck. Pun intended. I decide the only option is to end it. Dead cell phone floating! With much dismay I flush the toilet and with it I flush my cell phone, all the numbers inside it and all numbers I could have acquired with that phone down the drain.

Some might say it's a metaphor for me moving on with my life and meeting new people or maybe the lesson here is, I should just wear a watch. I prefer to blame everything on the handicapped stall. The only stall in the bathroom was a handicapped stall so dont hate on me for using a handicapped stall when Im not handicapped. Me not being handicapped is debatable by the way but that's a subject for another blog. The point is I was only in the handicapped stall because that was the only stall available. And the extra room in the handicapped stall allowed me to turn towards the toilet with enough momentum thus flinging my cell phone out of my pocket and into the Sea of Stankquility. In a regular stall I would not had enough room to turn with such force. My cell phone would have lived to have roaming charges another day.

Unfortunately for me, that's not the case. I guess it was karma in the end. For years I've made fun of the handicapped and called my cell phone a piece of shit. Payback's a bitch

Meet Brad's Cock

Is there a double standard when it comes to nudity in the movies? Is it unfair that women routinely get completely naked in movies while men rarely bare more than their ass? Every women I’ve ever known would most definitely tell you there is a double standard and that its completely unfair. They’re wrong.

The only reason that women show it all in the movies and the men don’t is because men are smarter consumers when it comes to nudity in the movies. Women support shitty movies just because a hot guy is in the movie. You ladies don’t give a Brad Pitt any reason to take it all off where as guys demand nudity. No man has ever gone out and seen a movie just because there’s an attractive woman in the movie unless of course that attractive woman gets at least topless. After Basic Instinct, Sharon Stone was the biggest actress in the world so why was she not able to capitalize on that fame and star in a string of hits? Because we, as in men, had already seen the no panties uncrossing the legs shot. How was she going to top that? She wasn’t. Sharon Stone was just as hot and just as naked in Sliver, the movie she made right after Basic Instinct, as she was in Basic Instinct but no guy went out and saw that movie because it was a piece of crap. The only way men are ever going to support another Sharon Stone movie is if it’s a good movie like Casino or if she stars in a porno. But at least Sharon Stone kept getting naked in movies unlike Halle Berry. Halle Berry was just another actress until she bared all and fucked Billy Bob for ten minutes in Monsters Ball. Every guy has seen that scene and how was Halle Berry rewarded for taking it all off? By being the first African American actress to win the Academy Award for Best Actress. Pussy power at its finest. And since Halle Berry won the Oscar, how many movies has she been nude in? Zero. And since Halle Berry won the Oscar, how many movies has she been in that tanked at the box office? All of them. Penis power at its finest. Every man in the world thinks Halle Berry is super hot and we all think seeing her in a skintight cat suit is sexy as hell. Every man in the world still finds Sharon Stone attractive and every man in the world loves movies about Super Heroes. Yet, none of us went and saw Cat Woman starring Halle Berry and Sharon Stone because the movie sucked ass yet didn’t show any.

Ladies, if you want to see the Brad Pitts and George Clooneys of the world show it all then stop supporting the bad movies they make. You think Brad and George are above dropping trow? Hell no! It’s all about the money. If every woman had boycotted Oceans 12, Oceans 13 would be called Oceans 13 Inches. If you stop going to see movies like Meet Joe Black you’ll meet Brad’s cock. It’s simple supply and demand. Demand to see every hot guy in Hollywood whip it out and ladies, he’ll whip it out. Skipping a few bad romantic comedies is a small price to pay for a lifetime of dick and balls on the big screen, isn’t it girls?