Sweet Sixteen

This past Friday night I performed at a 16 year old girls Birthday party. Fuck Letterman when you can perform in front of the girlfriend of a letterman. Her Mom had rented out this comedy club for the night. There was to be comedy, karaoke and a DJ. However, there apparently wasn't supposed to be any laughter. 16 year old girls didn't like me when I was in High School and they don't like me today.

The booker told me that a friend of mine had recommended me for this gig, saying I'd be perfect for it. I'm not sure what that says about me but I am sure if this "friend" of mine ever tries to tell me some girl he knows is perfect for me, I will make sure to never meet her. I was perfect for this gig in that OJ is the perfect husband kind of way. To be fair, if I was allowed to be me, to do my act and do what I do, I would have had a field day with this bunch. But that was not the case. Mom talked a big game about how any and all material was game. She even signed something that said we could say whatever and she wouldn't object. A comedy Pre-Nup if you will.

We met the birthday girl and she promptly showed us her piercings, belly button included, and her tattoos, the one right at her panty line included. I promptly felt an R Kelly moment. Maybe I'm getting old but do all 15 year old girls have tattoos and multiple piercings and do all 15 year old girls have no qualms about showing those piercings and tattoos to complete strangers? I just used the word qualms. I am getting old. Me getting old aside, I felt the birthday girl showing up wearing the Fisher Price How To Be Whore starter kit coupled with Mom signing the anything goes "Pre-Nup" boded well for the evening. Wrong answer!

The show begins with the booker/MC Kevin. He didn't bother updating his references for the crowd as he called a table full of black kids the Huxtables. The Huxtables!? These kids don't know who Bill Cosby is much less the Cosby Show. To them the Cosby Show is the show Raven Simone used to be on. You might has well of called a kid Eddie Haskell or yelled, "To the moon Alice, to the moon!" My boy Seaton then goes up. Seaton is very funny and decides immediately he's going to test out Mom's anything goes promise. One minute into his act and he's screaming at the birthday girls 10 year old brother, "So you ever fuck a bitch right and...." Classic. Between that and the anal sex references Mom had had enough. She runs up to me saying she doesn't like Seaton and that he's gone too far and for me to get him off stage. She tells me some of the other parents have complained and one mother took her daughter home. I have no sympathy for her for it was her idea to have a comedy show for a bunch of 16 year old girls who couldn't care less about comedy and a bunch of 16 year old boys who think they are too cool to laugh. By the time I get on stage the birthday girl is all about talking to her friends, the boyfriend, who I was going to fuck with, is in the back doing who knows what so essentially I'm performing for the 4 or 5 parents in the crowd. At one point I do my joke about beer goggles. The joke is about how since guys get drunk and go home with unattractive women, what do blind guys do when they get drunk? Do they go home with girls with real shitty voices? I then act this out and hilarity ensues. Except in this case, Britney, the retarded white girl says to me, "But he's blind not deaf so that doesn't make sense." Clueless. I end my set by stealing birthday girls cell phone and reading her text messages. Not groundbreaking comedy by any means but I got a kick out of it. Soon after, I end my set and me and the other comics get out of dodge.

The next night I'm back at the club to perform in front of a normal crowd. The owner tells me some of the kids had smuggled some alcohol into the club and drank up. Mom then let everyone go back to her place while she and step dad got a hotel room. Can we say teenage pregnancy? Being a good Mom is much better for the world than trying to be the cool Mom. And being a good comic is much better for the word than trying to be the comic that appeals to 16 year olds. I hope I end up being the former.

Black Girls are the New Puppy

Black girls are the new puppy. That is a quote from the great African-American Poet/Author Maya Angelou. Actually it's a quote from my friend Dawn who does happen to be black and quite poetic. She also happens to be right, black girls are the new puppy. Let's explain the puppy part first. A puppy is a chick magnet for a guy. If you are seen walking some adorable puppy, women will flock to you. You walking, loving, taking care of a cute, adorable puppy scores you major points. You are now sensitive. You are now seen as capable of love. You are now everything you probably aren't but girls get caught up in the bullshit hence you're in there. You don't need a first move or an opening line when you have some puppy by your side. The puppy is your first move. It is your opening line. Having a dog allows you to be a dog. Dogs are a mans best friend for a reason.

This brings us to the black girl part. If you are a white guy and you walk into a club/bar/party with a black girl, you are gold baby. You get every positive black guy stereotype placed on you plus every great white guy stereotype placed on you. You are superman. You can dance, have a big penis, have a great job and great credit to. And most importantly, you are now seen as confident. Confidence is sexy to a girl and black guys have the confident thing down. Whether it's an act or if it's the real thing doesnt matter. A black guy in a club is one confident seeming motherfucker. A black guy will walk up to any and every fine girl, black, white, it doesn't matter and can get shut down completely by that girl and not be fazed at all. Oh well, it's on to the next girl. A white guy gets shut down once in a night and we are done! Shot down in a blaze of awkward. Our egos can't handle rejection. Our dicks get smaller after a luke warm yes. We are Pussies!!!!! But when you walk into that club/bar/party with a black girl, perception changes. You are no longer that typical, no confidence, small dick white guy. You are now insert any white guy name X. You are now Chad X or Kyle X or Brandon X. Your shit is right and you get what you want by any means necessary. You have been given the black girl stamp of approval. You are in baby! Say it loud, you're black approved and you're proud!

But fellas, you cant have the black girl you came in with be all over you. That will scare the white girls off for we all know white girls are afraid of black girls. It will also piss off the black guys fo sho. Now you got a room full of white girls who wont even look at you and a room full of black guys who are not really feeling the whole cant we all just along vibe. At that point your best bet is to be the gay friend. So in order to save your ass you gotta be the gay guy. That was funny. Now laugh. The point is, you need your sista to take on the wingman role. My girl Dawn has got this shit down. She's a closer. You can be Maverick and she'll be Iceman. Go to her page now and ask, no beg for her services, http://www.myspace.com/dawndeedawn Read her blogs while you're at it. She's quite the girl. You'll be smitten in no time.

So to my white brethren, go find yourself an accommodating, willing black girl and get to work. Walk into the club with her by your side. Have some pics of your's or someone's adorable puppy on your cell and watch the women flock. How Kyle Got His Groove Back coming soon to a club near you.

I Have a Man Crush on Janet Reno

The title of this blog has nothing to do with what the actual blog is about but I felt my feelings for Janet Reno needed to be stated. Now lets move on.

As some of you know I teach a Driver Improvement class to earn some extra cash when I'm not doing comedy. I don’t actually teach, it’s more like I play videos and daydream for 8 hours. Take this past Sunday for example. I was immediately struck by this Asian guy who had real spikey hair. I instantly gave him the nickname Spike Lee. For literally an hour, I sat there and thought about how that was the most perfect and awesome nickname of all time. I started to wonder if his friends call him Spike Lee. I'm imagining them sitting around yelling at him to do the right thing, calling him Reggie Millers bitch. I've got his friends calling him Mars Blackman. "Hey man can I bum a smoke? Please baby, please baby, please baby, baby, baby, please." Then I'm like, wait a minute this kid's like 17 years old. He and his friends probably don't even know who Spike Lee is and they for sure wouldn't get the Mars Blackman reference. There's no way they call him Spike Lee. That would be funny and these kids are probably complete morons. Now I'm actually starting to get angry. I'm asking myself, "How in the hell can you have an Asian dude with spikey hair as a friend and not call him Spike Lee? What the fucks wrong with these people? I would kill to have an Asian guy friend with spikey hair. His friends suck This guy sucks. I hate this fucking dude!" Now I'm giving this kid dirty looks and insulting him to myself. "Nobody saw Crooklyn Asshole!"

The first video is about to end, which causes me to jump back to reality. I question my sanity for actually getting so angry with this guy for something I completely made up but I am still curious if his friends call him Spike Lee. I consider asking him but I decide that's just asking for awkward. I decide at that time to make it my life’s goal to befriend an Asian guy with spikey hair. I want my Spike Lee! If you're out there Spike, please add me on myspace.

For the next hour I sat around trying to come up with other ready made nicknames. For example, I would like to meet a black girl who looks like Christopher Walken, sounds like Christopher Walken, can do an impression of Christopher Walken or has been known to put things in her ass, like a watch for example. For the record, I prefer the latter. I shall call her Sistapher Walken. Secondly, I need to get to know a really stupid guy who looks like Neil Patrick Harris, aka Doogie Howser so I can call him Doogie Howser, LD or Doogie Howser, GED. This next one is stolen from my hilarious friend Mike Payne, www.myspace.com/domikepayne. I need to befriend a lesbian who beats her girlfriend. Where ya at Dike Turner? Finally, I need to become friends with a gay guy so I can call him a Cocksucking Faggot! Whoops, I mean I need to find a gay guy who really loves donuts in order to say hey Homo Simpson.