ABC Family?

Friday night I was flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch when I came upon Misery. Misery is a great movie but what I found odd was that it was playing on ABC Family. That’s right, ABC Family. I guess nothing says family like Kathy Bates, in horrifyingly gruesome fashion, breaking James Cann’s ankles with a sledgehammer. As if that wasn’t enough, every commercial break had promos for another Stephen King movie that was coming on the next day, It. I can just see the family now, “Hey kids gather around the TV. Stephen King’s “It” is coming on. You’re going to love it little Sarah and little Timmy. It’s about a clown that kills children. You won’t sleep well for a month and you’ll never be able to enjoy the carnival again. Hopefully tomorrow night ABC Family will be showing Jodie Foster’s “The Accused” for I know how much Mom and Granny love a good gang rape tale. Thank God for ABC Family.”

I realize that it’s Halloween so horror movies are going to be on a lot but come on! You’re ABC Family. Family is in the name of your channel! Out of curiosity, I went and looked at what was on HBO Family and discovered that HBO actually understands what the word family means. While ABC family was showing a movie about torture and murder, HBO Family was showing Duma, the tale of an orphaned Cheetah who becomes the best friend and pet of a young boy living in South Africa. That’s right, HBO, the network that has brought us such classics as Real Sex 1-47, Taxi Cab Confessions, Pornucopia and Cat House showed on its family channel, a movie about the love beteween a boy and his pet. ABC on the other hand, a network that has brought us Growing Pains, Good Morning America and Extreme Makeover Home Edition showed on its family channel a block of movies about death, torture and the terrorozing of children. I guess if “Duma” ever gets shown on ABC Family, rather than the Cheetah becoming the boy’s best friend and pet, the Cheetah will maul the child and his entire family.

I think that what we’ve all learned here is that ABC stands for Always Be Cilling. Yes, I know Killing is spelled wrong but if you are dumb enough to think a movie about a clown murdering children is family programming then you are dumb enough to spell Killing wrong.

Last nights show at Gary Clark's South Beach Restaurant, went really well and will now be a weekly room. It's a free show every Wed night at 830. Special thanks to Gary Clark for giving us the venue. It was a real thrill for us to perform for Gary especially for die hard Skins fans like Danny, Adam and myself. Thank you to Erin Jackson, Adam Jacobs, Danny Rouhier, Ryan Conner and Seaton Smith for getting the room off to a great and hilarious start. Thanks go again to Danny for bringing so many people. You rock. Props to Jared Stern, Leo Goodman, Tyler Sonnichsen and Jessica Paquin for coming out and supporting. And I must send some love to my good buddy Steve Gibson for introducing me to Gary in the first place. You are the man Steve Gibson. See you all soon.

The Improv, Kissing Strangers and Battling Magicians

Comedy is good right now. I have lots of cool and exciting things to report but I can’t squeeze them all into one blog so we shall make this “My week at the DC Improv” blog and save all the other good stuff for later.

This past week I performed at the DC Improv with Pablo Francisco. Pablo has this habit of destroying every show. This week was no different. He was also very complimentary of my act so I have declared him a comic genius. Now, enough about him, let’s talk about how awesome I was. I kicked major ass this past week. The crowds were amazing and were ready at the jump. Every bit worked on every show and my new closer made us all feel closer to God. I will be putting some clips from the week up soon. It is an absolute joy to perform at the DC Improv. I love being on that stage. It fucking rocks! What also rocks is all the amazing people I met over the week and all the new friends I made. Special shout out goes to Anette for I very well may have fallen in love with you. I probably shouldn’t tip my hand but oh well.

Sunday night deserves its own paragraph for it was an interesting night. There was a guy in the front row that had a two second delay thing happening. He would repeat the last punch line of each of my jokes. It was hilarious. If we were a rap group, we’d be Kid and Replay. Then came the after show hanging out in the lobby. This girl walks up to me and tells me how funny I was. I tell her thank you and then ask her if she wants to make out. She says yes. I grab her hand and lead her back behind the bar the whole time waiting for her to say just kidding. I go in slowly still expecting her to back out. Well, she was a champ. No backing off for her. Full makeout session with a stranger ensues. I give her my card and tell her to mypsace me. I get home that night and waiting for me is a myspace message. Turns out she is only 19 years old. I just made out with a teenager, a sober one at that. Sweet!!!!!!! Being a dirty old man is fun. After the making out we rejoined everyone else. Turns out one of her friends is a magician. He starts doing card tricks for everyone. I wanted him to suck ass but he was actually really good. He was taking all the attention away from me and I can’t have that because I have self esteem issues. So now I am dueling with a magician for everyone’s attention. He’s pulling the Jack of Hearts out of girls asses and I’m dropping sarcasm. Sarcasm is getting its ass beat. I just made 250 people laugh and made out with a complete stranger and now I am being outshined by a pimply faced 18 year old wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt all because he can turn the 2 of Spaids into the Jack of Hearts. Damn him! I should’ve been a magician.

Ned Devines Is Alive And Kicking

A fantastic first show last night at Ned Devines. We had an excellent crowd. Special thanks to my new myspace Sterling friends Dena and Nina for representing. Thank you to all the comics who kicked ass last night, Herbie Gill, Jimmy Meritt, Danny Rouhier, Jon Mumma, Joe Robinson, Justin Schlegel, Katie Riffey and Andy Kline. And thanks to Ned Devines for being such a cool venue. We've got another great lineup of comics next week. So be here next Tuesday at 9. See you all soon.

If

If the Redskins win I am happy all week. I watch every post game show, every highlight show, read every article and every message board. I’m on cloud nine.

If I write a new bit that crushes I am giddy like a child on Christmas day. I recite the bit in the shower, in the car, anywhere and everywhere. I feel confident, successful and attractive. I feel alive.

If I discover a new song I love I listen to it over and over again. I sit in front of my computer and play it again and again. Whether the song is new or old, a dance song, sad song, a rock song or an R&B song doesn’t matter. Hearing a great song inspires me. I am ready for the world.

If I meet a girl I like then my mind opens up. I begin to tear down the walls that keep me safe/hold me back. My mind races and I imagine holding her, kissing her, feeling her naked body up against mine. I wonder if she’s the one. I wonder if she’s the real deal and if I’m even ready for the real deal. That thought scares me and makes me nervous and I am not one to get nervous. I have performed literally thousands of times in front of literally hundreds of thousand of people. I have told jokes to crowds of several hundred people and crowds of 6 people. I’ve stood on the ice 40+ times at Washington Capitals games emceeing events and hosting trivia contests in front of 20,000 screaming fans. I’ve done 2 seasons of live TV with just note cards and my memory to serve me. I have been in many a nerve-wracking situation but nothing has ever rattled me like the affection of a beautiful women. I am a champ at hiding it and playing it off but trust me its there. Please rock my world baby. I am ready and willing.

If a dream week is possible then I guess I know mine. On Sunday the Redskins win a big game. I celebrate by having a few drinks with some friends. In a drunken stooper I say something funny that I make a mental note to expand on later. I spend Tuesday expanding on that very thought and jamming to a kick ass new song. Come Wednesday I have a brand new bit to unveil on open mic night. I do the bit and it kills. My hilarity attracts the eye of quite the beautiful women. We hit it off and exchange numbers. I wait the industry standard and call her on Friday. We make plans to do dinner Saturday night. The night goes wonderfully. She laughs at my jokes and I wait on every word she says. She smells amazing and her smile, well it just does it for me. I am smitten. I awkwardly go in for a goodnight kiss and she, undeterred, follows my lead. We kiss slow, soft, passionate, just perfect. I hug her tightly and reflect on an amazing week.

I’d kill for a week like that. I long for a week like that. Maybe one day huh? A boy can dream can’t he?