The Winter Olympics Have Jumped The Shark

I’ve always liked the Olympics. I love sports in general and the Olympics, in my opinion, are sports at its most pure form. It’s running, jumping, skiing and skating. Its athletes in relative anonymity for relatively little money training hours and hours a day for one shot every four years. Its everything that’s right about sports. But I fear that the Olympics, the Winter specifically, have jumped the shark so to speak.

The X Games have taken over the Winter Olympics and I don’t like it. The only reason snowboarding, snowboard cross and the event where they ski off a jump and do 9,000 flips in the air are in the Olympics is because we, the United States, are good in these events. If it weren’t for these events the good ole US of A would only win about 5 or 6 Gold medals tops. We are average when it comes to the core Winter Olympic events and that’s not good enough. We pay the most money for the TV rights so we need to have events on TV that we can win. This bothers me.

I’m not saying it doesn’t take a lot of skill or athletic ability to compete in these X Game-ish events. I’m sure it does. It’s just that they’re not Olympic to me. Skiing down the mountain as fast as you can is Olympic to me. Sledding down the course as fast as you can is Olympic to me. Skating around a track as fast as you can is Olympic to me. Getting wicked air on a half pipe is not Olympic. An announcer that uses the word radd to describe your performance is not Olympic. An event that has Sublime playing in between every heat is not Olympic. A Gold Medallist who credits Bob Marley, Jay Z and Linkin Park as inspiration is not Olympic to me.

Most importantly, these events set a bad precedent. What’s next? If the X Games can find its way into the Olympics, so can the Circus. Is Tight Rope walking, Trapeze Swinging and shooting yourself out of a cannon ball soon to be events? Is fitting the most clowns into a car going to get some country a Gold Medal in four years? My money is on Mexico in that one by the way. Those examples might be a bit far fetched but don’t be surprised if Skateboarding is a Summer Olympic event in the near future. Get ready to hear this statement: Joining Jesse Owens, Wilma Rudolph, Mark Spitz, Dorothy Hamill, The US Men’s Hockey Team, Bruce Jenner, Mary Lou Retton, Carl Lewis, Jackie Joyner Kersee and Michael Johnson as America’s greatest Gold Medallists is, wait for it, wait for it……… Tony Hawk. Jesse Owens and Tony Hawk potentially in the same club. Now that’s Un-Olympic.

The Winter Olympics have jumped the shark people. I fear it’s only a matter of time before the Summer joins them. Maybe they’ll jump the shark by adding shark jumping as an event. I’d watch that. I’m a sucker for irony.

New and Improved Stereotypes

Its time for some new stereotypes people. Its 2006 and I'm tired of hearing the same old same old. You know, black people love chicken, all Asians knows Karate, white guys cant jump and guys named Rob are great in bed. Its time we start propagating some new shit. If they make sense to you, great. If not, who fuckin cares? Read and then please begin to use these stereotypes in your everyday life. Spread the word people.

1. Black people can’t see rainbows. I don't remember any black people in The Wizard of Oz. Have you ever seen a black Leprechaun? Of course you haven’t because black people can’t see rainbows. It is declared.

2. Asians don't like Ketchup. Have you ever seen a bottle of Heinz 57 at a Chinese Restaurant? Of course you haven't. While dining at PF Changs, you've never heard anyone utter the question, "Can you please pass the ketchup?" Mustard? Yes. Soy sauce? Yes. Duck sauce? Yes. Ketchup? Hell no! What, ketchup isn't good enough for General Tso? Fuck General Tso! I call bullshit.

3. White girls can't parallel park. Be honest here. Lets say your life depends on who can parallel park the best. Who ya going to take between Stevie Wonder, an epileptic monkey, a drunk, retarded midget with one arm and a white girl? The answer is of course, anybody but Sally or Becky or insert any white girl name.

4. Jews can't draw. They can withdraw cash like a motherfucker but they can't actually draw anything. You'll never see an art Professor named Feinstein.

5. All Hispanics snore. Every last one of them. Why do you think Edward Norton left Salma Hayek? He knew he was never going to get anyone hotter but he also knew he wasn’t going to ever get any damn sleep lying next Buzz Saw every night. Being stuck in a hotel room with Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine while they sleep will actually make you wish you were stuck at a Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine concert. Nuff said.

R.I.P. Bitch

Remember fellas when you used to be able to call a woman a bitch and get a real rise out of her? Ahh, the good old days. Well, those days are long gone. The word bitch just doesn’t have the same bite it used to. Women now routinely call themselves a bitch or refer to their friends as their bitches. Now being a bitch just means you don’t take any shit and you don’t let some man tell you what to do. Being a bitch is empowering.

This sucks for us guys because we need something to say to you damn bitches to piss you off. We’ve still got whore and slut but those are starting to lose their power to. Women like sex just as much as guys do and the whole if a guy sleeps around then he’s a stud but if a woman sleeps around she’s a slut double standard resonates with a lot of girls. You call a girl a slut these days and she’s likely to just laugh it off and come back with something like, “You’re just jealous I’m getting more than you.” Bam, now she’s won the argument and you look like the asshole. Damn you bitch whores!

So what are we to do fellas? I think our hand has been forced and it pains me to have to go their ladies but you’ve given us no other choice. Oh I’m sure we could try to act mature and not resort to name calling but come on, we’re guys, we have no self control. You ladies tell us that everyday. So without the use of bitch, slut and whore its time to break out, yep you guessed it, the “C” word. Time to dust off old reliable. Nothing does the trick like a well placed “Fuck you Cunt!” Anything less than that just bounces off you girls. This aint your Daddy’s female gentleman. You gotta come out guns blazin or its too late. Enjoy it while it last fellas for just like its sisters bitch, slut and whore, cunt to will one day go by the wayside. They say all good things come to an end and being able to get under a girls skin by calling her a cunt is no exception. It might be 3 years, it might be 5 years, it might be 10 years but one day in the future women will embrace cunt like they have every other insult and make into their own word. They’re a crafty bunch those damn bitch whore cunts. Today you call a girl a cunt; she slaps you in the face. Tomorrow you’re at Hallmark buying your fiancé that coffee mug she wanted. You know, the one with “Worlds Biggest Cunt” written on it. Times are a changin.