This Weekend

I will be headlining Wiseacres this weekend. Be there! It will change your life.

Liquid Cocaine, Broke Neck Mountain, Skeletor and Jon Mumma

Tuesday night I went to an open mic night in Westminster, MD. Westminster is to comedy what Nashville is to Hip Hop or what country line dancing is to making someone fuckable. I knew the show would be an absolute train wreck but I was going with some of my best comedy buddies so I knew it would at least be an entertaining train wreck. The show did not disappoint.

The show begins with the always promising 15 crowd members to 7 comics ratio. As the few first few comics go up it becomes painfully obvious that this is going to be a crowd work only night, meaning straight material isn't going to get a response, you're going to have to talk to the crowd. I laugh to myself as I see my extremely funny friend and Westminster first timer Jon Mumma writing up a set list. A set list at this shit hole? I'm sure Jon had written down a bunch of bits that are funny and that he's done before and a few new bits but in my mind his set list read

Joke that always kills that will induce silence and awkward stares
Smart and funny observation that will lose them at smart
Bit that won him the DC Improv contest but here will walk a table of six
New joke that would eventually kill in a real club but because it bombs so hard here Jon will lose all confidence in it causing him to prematurely retire this made for Letterman gem
Ivan Drago quote from Rocky 4 (inside joke but trust me its hilarious so laugh dammit!)
No matter how funny this joke is it will be interrupted with a chorus of "Fag!" from random frat guys

I think you see my point. Save the set list for a real show.

The show is wrapping up as just Jon and I remain to be slaughtered. Jon goes up with his trusty set list and in front of 20 people who haven't laughed all night does an hour, one whole fucking hour of sometimes brilliant, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes offensive and then sometimes brilliant again comedy that was all the time a fucking blast to see. His set list? Not once was it used except maybe as a coaster for one of the 10 shots that were bought for him. Jon isn't a big drinker at all and he's not a dirty comic at all. But that night he was both. I watched him and thought wow..... he's morphed into me, a dirty foul-mouthed drunk. God bless him. Jon did exactly what you had to do that night and that was crowd work. He talked and fucked with the crowd and he did it well. So well that one guy, who looked like Stone Cold Steve Austin but older so we called him Stone Old Steve Austin, anyways, this guy kept buying Jon shot after shot. And not the same shot, different shit, nasty shit. At one point Stone Old bought Jon this shot called Liquid Cocaine. Liquid Cocaine is a disgusting shot consisting of Bacardi 151, Goldschlager and Jagermeister. It's three things that are tough to take separately and when put together make you vomit all over the fat chick it convinced you to fuck. If Liquid Cocaine were a TV show it would be The View. But Jon's no bitch so he gladly fires the shot down only to immediately spit it out all over the floor. Now that's comedy! He then did 20 more minutes. The Kid's got heart.

This is the part of the blog that will I act like I wish Jon wouldn't have done so much time so that I would've gotten a chance to mess with these people. I will act this way for three reasons. One, I had a few golden lines that I wanted to be able to use on those fucks. There were these two old guys sitting at the bar. The one guy had this floppy cowboy hat kind of thing going on. The second guy was wearing a neck brace. There was a definite weird, gay vibe to them. I was just itching to call them Broke Neck Mountain. That's gold Jerry! Secondly, I was jealous of all the free drinks Jon was getting. I got into comedy for the free drinks. Fuck him for taking what was rightfully mine. Thirdly and by far the most important, it will make Jon's beautiful wife Amy yell at him. Amy is super cool and is hot as she is cool. I figure if he gets to sleep with her he should at least have to take shit from her as well.

This leaves us with the real star of the show. The girl with the fanny pack, the bad boob job and the crooked teeth, Celeste, Westminster's resident skank. You might have seen her trying to kill He-Man. Celeste was the butt of many a joke that night. She's usually the butt of many a bachelor party at a VFW so you'd think she would've taken it all in stride. Celeste aka Skeletor was quite the piece of work. She had that, I've been in a tanning salon for 72 straight hours look about her. And despite me saying to her face, "Cancer called and you answered in a year" she took to me. Another, in a long line I'm sure, of bad decisions on her part. She gave me her card so I could go check out her sexy pics online. Enjoy. Nudity Beware If that picture were a drink, it would be Liquid Cocaine. Ughh!!! Is that the worst fucking boob job you've ever seen? And who gets their breasts done before there teeth? Teeth trumps tits every time. The girls got this fang in the middle of her grill. Didn't Wesley Snipes kill her in Blade? She's half skank, half vampire. She's a Daystripper. To top it all off she claims she'll be in a Cinemax After Dark porno in the spring. She told me she'd be going by the name Phoenix because she's been through a lot of shit in her life and now she's finally risen above it all. Take a second to grasp that people. To most girls the act of being in porno is the going through a lot of shit part of their life. To this girl, it's validation that everything's going to be OK. Fucking a stranger on TV for money is her "Thank God I've made it" moment. Welcome to Westminster.

Comedy is a lot of things but it is never boring. I make fun of Westminster and the people there but that's what makes it all so fun. Every show is different, every crowd is a new story. So thank you Westminster for being you, thank you Celeste for not knowing any better and thank you Jon Mumma. I look forward to your next hour.

Hack To The Future

It never ceases to amaze me the jokes some comics tell. More specifically, the outdated jokes they tell. I was at this show the other night at this new club in Baltimore, Rascals. The show was essentially an audition to work the room. We were told to do our best 6 minutes. I guess not every comic heard that part. This guy I never heard of goes up, we’ll call him Hack To Be Named Later, starts his set by saying he just moved to Baltimore two months ago because he got a role on Homicide. In case you’re not familiar, Homicide was a TV show on NBC that took place and was shot in Baltimore. There are a few things wrong with this “comics” claim that he moved here recently to be on the show. First thing, Homicide has been off the air since 1999! If you moved here to be on Homicide you might want to find a new agent. Second thing, you never had role on the show. Homicide routinely hired extras for the show and maybe you were one of the 1,000 that scored that sweet 6 bucks an hour for 4 hours gig in the dead of winter but you never had a role. A role means you’re character has a name and I don’t know, maybe, lines!!!! Third thing, if you’re going to lie, why not just say you moved here because you got a role on The Wire. The Wire is a show, like Homicide, that takes place and shoots in Baltimore, hires a lot of extras but unlike Homicide, its still on the fucking air!!!! Not only is it on the air but they were actually shooting two months ago. Making your lie current and almost believable couldn’t have been any easier yet you still failed to do it. Pathetic. I tried to talk to him after the show and ask him if he knew anyone that could help me get a role on Hill Street Blues but unfortunately he had left already.

That brings us to Count Hackula. This guy goes on stage and does the most outdated, ridiculous book joke I’ve ever heard. Ready? Did you hear that magician David Copperfield has Aids? He got it from doing too much Magic. Get it? A fucking Magic Johnson Aids joke! 9th grade called, they want their joke back. Come on Haq Diesel, at least say David Blaine. We are essentially on a job interview and this guy does a 15 year old book joke. You might as well show up at a real job interview and brag about how familiar you are with Windows 95. The real tragedy here is that the joke killed. The lowest common denominator always works. Welcome to the profession I’ve chosen.