The Small Penis Theory

Fellas, always tell a girl you have a small penis. Whether your packing 4 inches or 12 inches, always say you have a small one. There are several reasons for this. First of all, if you tell a girl your huge down there she probably won’t believe you. She figures every guy says that. Its in one ear and out the other. But by saying your small, this peaks her interest because no guy claims that. Now she’s wondering about your penis. She’s asking herself questions. “Why would he say he has a small penis? Does he really have a small penis? Maybe he has a huge penis and he’s just saying it’s small. Maybe it is small but he just has enough confidence in himself that he doesn’t care that it’s small. Maybe he thinks its small but it’s really average.” Now she’s got your penis on your mind and that’s a good thing. She’s curious about your penis. This doesn’t mean she’s going to do you just to find out but it does help your chances, which brings us to the best part of this little theory.

Let’s say you do end up hooking up with this girl who you’ve told you’re small. Whether you are in actuality small, medium or large down there, you end up like a champ regardless. Lets say you’re a little on the small side. You go to have sex and she sees that you are in fact lacking. She’s now saying to herself, “Oh my God he is small. He wasn’t lying. He was completely honest with me. Honesty is sexy. I love a guy who’s honest. He was upfront with me the whole time. No games, no bullshit. And he had the confidence to admit he had a small penis. He didn’t care that I knew that for he knows he has so much more to offer. That’s so sexy. I’m going to go and fuck the shit out of this small penis.” Brilliant. Score one for the small guy.

Let’s say your Johnny average. She’s expecting a small penis but when she sees your Mr. Medium she’s pleasantly surprised. It’s always a good thing whenever you end up being larger than what the girl expects. She sees it and she’s like, “ He’s not small at all. There’s nothing wrong with his penis. It’s a perfectly respectable penis. I bet some dumb bitch of an ex girlfriend told this poor guy he was tiny and he’s had to live his whole life thinking that. Poor guy. Women can be so cruel sometimes. All this guy needs is a little confidence. I bet I can get him to come out of his shell. I’m going to go and fuck the shit out of this medium penis.” Brilliant. Score one for the average guy.

Let’s say your packing some extra down there. She’s going to see it and be all, “ Wow, its fucking huge! This guy was just messing with me the whole time. He knew he was hung. He’s got the confidence to say he’s small because he knows what he’s really got. That’s hot. He so surprised me. I love surprises. This guy keeps me on my toes. I don’t know what he’s going to do next. It’s an adventure being with him. I’m going to go and fuck the shit out of this giant penis.” Brilliant. Score one for Mr.Big.

So ladies, for the record, I have an incredibly small penis. I’m hung like a seahorse. Call me.

Wham, Bam.....

I’m not very good in bed. Actually, it’s not that I’m not good, its that I don’t last that long. It’s OK when you’re 17. “Oh, you only lasted 3 minutes. Isn’t that cute.” Well, it’s not cute anymore. This is a problem every guy has at first. I don’t think women realize how tough it is for us guys when we first start having sex. At that age, all we think about is sex but when we first start having sex all we’re told to help us last longer is to think about something else, like baseball or whatever. My mind is like sex, sex, sex and then finally I’m having sex and suddenly its “ Will Cal Ripken ever get hurt? Die Hard is a great movie. I wonder if the A-Team is on tonight.” So the only time we’re not thinking about sex is when we’re having sex. It’s very confusing. It got to the point that I was thinking about sex so much that I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I was having sex just so my mind could think about other things. I was having sex just so I could get shit done. I’ve got a book report to do. Whose gonna do me? I need to study for my Spanish test. I need a blow job! But after a while that stops working. I’m still finishing quickly, I’m just thinking about weird shit when I do. I’m climaxing thinking about algebra. I solved for X and X = 3 minutes. X = disappointment. X = I’ll never see her naked again. Wham, Bam, I’m sorry Mam.



This all brings us to today, 500 satisfied women later give or take 493 women and satisfied. Rather than go through the trouble of actually lasting longer, now I just spin my sexual efficiency a little better. Allow me to explain. I last three minutes, girl is bitter. I tell girl I would last longer but I’m so attracted to you. I think you’re so hot. I love your smile, your eyes, everything about you. I think you’re the most wonderful, special girl I’ve ever met. You’re intelligent, funny, honest, sweet, caring and simply amazing. Everything about you turns me on. I can’t imagine lasting any longer because of how much you turn me on. Girl says, “Wow, are you really that turned on by me?” I say, “Of course baby. What, do I think I’m 17 or something?” Girl says, “But my last boyfriend could go all night.” I say, “Well, he didn’t love you like I do. He thought you were fat.” Now girl is excited and turned on by how quick I am with her. She’s actually trying to make me finish quicker. If I get real drunk one night and make it to 5 minutes girl thinks something’s wrong. “Am I getting fat? Do you not love me anymore? Is there someone else?” Now I’m buying girl flowers. “I’m sorry for almost satisfying you baby. It will never happen again. Love, Johnny Come Early.” Wham, Bam, Your Welcome Mam!



Now ladies, if you’re reading this thinking that bullshit would never work on me, there’s only one way to find out. And if there happen to be any women out there that would’ve considered having sex with me but now won’t after having read about my lack of stamina, well, don’t believe everything you read on the Internet. God Speed.

10 Random Thoughts

1. My favorite quote

My favorite quote is from Mike Tyson, believe it or not. "I'll fuck you till you love me." Now don't dismiss it as just some bad pick up line. Think about it for a minute. First of all, its kind of erotic. I'm going to fuck you so good that by the end of it you won't just love fucking me, you'll fall in love with me. Second of all, here's this barbaric, angry, confused man yelling at a bunch of reporters, "I'll fuck you till you love me." When you get past his anger and vulgarity, what he's essentially saying is that he just wants to be loved. What's more romantic than that?

2. Socks

I once knew a guy that never wore the same pair of socks twice. He would constantly buy new white crew socks. He loved how a new pair of socks felt. I thought he was crazy. The other day I bought some new socks myself. I put on a pair and was reminded of how nice and comfy they make your feet feel. Yes, I said the word comfy. I thought, maybe he's on to something. If you start every day with your feet happy, maybe the rest of you just follows.

3. Snoring

Why is that people who snore don't believe you when you tell them they snore? Why would I lie about that and how can they know they don't?

4. Chalant

How come no one ever uses the word chalant? You hear nonchalant said but never chalant. "Mam, your son was just in a car accident. Are you concerned?" "Yes, I am feeling very chalant about the whole thing."

5. Tattoos

I don't get the fascination with tattoos. I'm not against anyone getting a tattoo but I could never get one. I can't imagine there being anything I'd want to put on my body that I wouldn't be bored of in about 5 hours. I can't even wear a hat because then I know I have to wear it all day because my hair will be messed up. That's just a one day commitment and I'm out, let alone a lifetime commitment that a tattoo brings.

6. Personalized plates

I don't get the fascination with those either. See above for some of the same reasons. Also, I'm against anything that makes my plates easier for the cops to read. When I'm driving home drunk at 3am on a Tuesday night (yes Tuesday night, I have a problem) the last thing I want is the cops to be drawn to my YGR4EVA vanity plates.

7. Pineapple

Pineapple is the most underrated fruit ever. Think about it, its wonderful on its own, its great on pizza, its great with chicken and it has its own cake, Pineapple Upside Down Cake. Take that strawberries!

8. Topless hair salons

They would kick ass. That's all.

9. Shorts

I hate it when its an abnormally warm day but still not actually warm, think 55 in February, and there's some idiot wearing shorts. Everyone else is enjoying the fact that their not cold for the first time in 4 months while this moron has managed to wear an outfit that ensures, on the warmest day in months, he's still cold.

10. Life

I think life is simple but people are complicated. You love someone worth loving who loves you back. You surround yourself with friends who are true friends. You work at a job that challenges and drives you and satisfies you. You live in a home that feels like home. You do all these things and you are the happiest person alive. Its not complicated yet its so hard to accomplish. Good luck to all.